Hetalia KRAK
by Spidersong13
Summary: Pretty much what the title says. Rated T for France, South Korea, guys in skirts, and my paranoia. First fanfic, woot!
1. Chapter 1

**Hola! This is my first fanfic, yeah, it's crack. 100% crack and a slight chance of crossdressing. Enjoy everyone!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia**

Story 1: England vs. France

England was walking through a garden when he saw his girlfriend, Flying Mint Bunny. _Okay, this is it Arthur, _he thought. He pulled out a small box, knelt, and said

"Flying Mint Bunny, my love, will you marry me?"

"Wouldn't you rather marry _me,_ Angleterre? I can be much more fun than air, not saying air can't be fun, ohonhonhonhon," said a voice behind England. England scowled.

"I was talking to Flying Mint Bunny, you bloody frog!" England yelled, throwing a unicorn at France. The unicorn bounced harmlessly off of France's magical shield of sexy hair and l'amour.

"Your magical friends don't scare me little cabbagecabbage." France taunted, waiting for England's next attack. England pulled a spellbook out of nowhere

"I invoke the unholy rite of toothpaste!" England chanted. France was instantly covered in toothpaste.

"Ohonhonhon, cover me with your toothpaste," France said as he started stripping.

"I don't want to do this to you, frog, but I must. Release the angry psychic guinea pigs! Sic him, boys." A horde of guinea pigs crawled toward France, but France mooned the guinea pigs and they all died. Japan flew in wearing a magical girl dress and cat ears.

"Japan!" France called, "You will lend me some of your delicious manga, oui? You know the one I'm…"

"For that you sharr pay. KIRRING SQUARE CHANGE!" Japan interrupted, pink beams shooting from his hands. France started looking under Japan's skirt, causing Japan to cut his sexy hair off with more pink beams of FIERY DEATH.

"Non, non! My sexy 'air!" France cried before fainting gracefully. The rose he was wearing fell off, causing England to melt and Japan to run away screaming.

"Kesesese, whatever happened here, I win!" said Prussia, who just happened to walk in because the lazy authoress needed to conclude the story

**This was based on an internet RP with my friend, and she was France, so any mental trauma due to France was her fault. Enjoy the rest of your (hopefully nightmare-free) day! Adios!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: This story contains a large amount of South Korea groping people, Poland, a very angry Denmark, and character death in the crackiest way possible**

Denmark vs. South Korea

"Everything originated in South Korea, da ze!" Denmark picked up his axe when he heard that. Sure enough, South Korea was running around with rainbows trailing behind him.

"I have an axe," Denmark threatened.

"It was invented in South Korea, da ze!" South Korea didn't understand the threat and kept on running. Denmark had to laugh, it was just so weird.

"Don't joke, Yong Soo, it's so funny I might lose my grip," Denmark said.

"Jokes were also invented in Korea, da ze!" Denmark really wanted to kill him right now. However, he resisted…until South Korea grabbed his (nonexistent) boobs.

"YOU BRAT! I WILL PILLAGE AND CONQUER YOU!" Denmark yelled, swinging his axe, it hit one of South Korea's incredibly long sleeves.

"Nooo!Now my sleeves aren't long and awesome, da ze!" South Korea whined.

"Hahahahahhapillagepillagepil lage!" yelled Denmark as he ran around swinging his axe crazily. "Become a settlement you little pest!" Then Poland walked in having no idea what was going on.

"Hey broskis! Wazzup?" Poland asked. "I like totally just got a manicure! Want to see?" He stuck his fingers in Denmark's face. Denmark started biting his fingers.

"Hey! Don't mess up my manicure!" Poland yelled. Denmark bashed his head into a wall, and Gangnam Style started playing, and they all danced. Then South Korea grabbed Poland's (nonexistent?) boobs, and Poland licked a squirrel. Then Denmark started eating the squirrel.

"Now I'm dead, LIKE A BOSS!" Denmark yelled, and then he died. Poland then exploded in a cloud of perfume and FIERY DEATH. Then South Korea grabbed Flying Mint Bunny's boobs.


	3. Chapter 3

**That's right…more of this. I should probably work on a real story now, but lack of inspiration has forced me to write MOAR KRAK**

Russia vs. the world (with randomness from Japan and Poland)

"I like vodka," Russia said before drinking a massive amount of the stuff. Japan just stared at him as he danced with a stick.

"Russia-san, are you okay?" Japan asked.

"Da!" Russia replied, now dancing with Poland.

"You seem a rittre drunk, and don't you disrike Porand-san?" Japan was seriously wondering about Russia's sanity at this point.

"Nyet, I can't be drunk, I feel fine!" Russia said, still dancing with Poland.

"Hai…" Japan replied.

"I like vodka and killing!" Russia sang happily. Japan backed away slowly. Russia started hitting a house with a pipe, still smiling insanely.

"Prease don't hit my house," Japan pleaded. To his surprise, Russia nodded and hit Poland with his pipe instead.

"That's not much better…" Japan sighed, just wishing Russia would go away.

"Kolkolkolkolkolkolkol," Russia replied. Japan pulled out his katana while Russia just stood there being a drunk Russia. Japan pulled Belarus out of his pocket.

"Hello big brother~" Belarus said.

"N-nyet, It can't be…BELARUS!" Russia screamed.

"Yes, and I have been waiting for this for a long time. Marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me marry me," then Russia exploded in a cloud of vodka and FIERY DEATH, causing Belarus to explode too. Japan and Poland just stood there watching

"That pipe liek totally hurts," Poland remarked. Japan stabbed him in the eye and walked away.

**I noticed these have been getting less cracky over time. The others were better, I just wrote this because I can. If you haven't lost your sanity and are still reading, thank you!**


	4. Chapter 4

"PASTAAAAAAA!" Japan shouted.

"Dude! I think we're all drunk!" America gurgled.

"I'm not," whispered Canada, but nobody noticed him. France was sober, but he pretended to be drunk until everyone passed out. He wandered into Britton's bedroom expecting to find Britton there, but…he found Liechtenstein, who was taking pictures of a large snoring mound of blankets.

"Spain, Romano, I know you're in there…" whispered the drunk Italy under the bed. Prussia sat up, in the bed, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

"Where the Gilbird am I?" he said to himself, not noticing France or Liechtenstein. He looked down,

"Holy me… How did Hungary, Switzerland and Austria get in the bed too?!" Switzerland woke up, saw Liechtenstein, and jumped through the ceiling. The ceiling fan crashed to the ground, which held a sleeping Spain and Romano in it.

"How the pasta did Spain and Romano get on the ceiling fan?" Italy asked, still hiding under the bed. Austria, with a loud snort, fell off one side of the bed.

"OH YEAH!" Canada yelled, running through the wall. Prussia almost fell over the other side of the bed in disbelief, but sleeping Hungary clung onto him, like a teddy bear. Liechtenstein took several pictures, causing Prussia to throw a pillow at her. But he missed, and hit Canada. Canada threw an empty bottle of maple syrup at Prussia.

Just then, the wall was sliced in half by a pink chainsaw. Japan flew in wearing a pink maid's outfit, still carrying his chainsaw of FIERY DEATH. Spain looked at Japan "Is that your old dress Romano?" he asked, causing Romano to launch into a stream of very creative multilingual curses. Japan screamed as a horde of crazed fangirls, led by Taiwan and Spain, chased after him. Articles of clothing and bottles of maple syrup flew across the room, as the fangirls tried tugging off Japan's dress and apron. Then Britain ran around in his angel outfit and jumped on France.

Liechtenstein snapped photos of Romano, who was slightly drunk, leap onto the bed screaming, "I LOVE YOU, SPAIN!" Then China came in and hit everyone with a wok. Everyone passed out, again. The next morning, Japan woke up married to a pineapple…AN UGLY PINEAPPLE, but he loved it…until Taiwan "accidentally" threw it out a window. And Prussia woke up married to Hungary. Then the War of the Unicorns (aka World War Crack) happened and the world was saved by a pair of Italian underpants.

The end.


End file.
